28.7.11

Social Networks

صرلي جمعتين بيوصلي ايميلات من الأصحاب وغير الأصحاب تأشترك ب وبسايت جديد شبيه ب فايسبوك. ولك يا جماعة عندي اكاونت فايسبوك وتويتر ويوتيوب ومي سبايس ولنكد إن... شو بعد ما عرفوا العالم عني ومش قادرين يعرفوا تـ فوت على هالوبسايت وخبر...

بلشت حس إنو في كاميرا عم تراقبني وين ما كان تتفرجي العالم بطولاتي، متل:
كيف كنت طارق سكرة ومش متذكر شو صار نهار السبت،
كيف علقنا بعجقة السير الإثنين،
كيف حطينا اجرينا و برعطنا بهالميّات الخميس
وكيف أكلنا متل البغال نهار الأحد.

خلص أنا رايح إلبس ورقة عريش وإتمشى على نهر ابراهيم وعيش لحالي مع هالعصافير...
أيّا عصافير، ليش بعد في عصافير؟ وين في عصافير؟
تنشوف على غوغل...

يعني صارت حياتي كلها عالانترنت. إذا بدي أعرف مين كان معنا بالسهرة بفوت ع فايسبوك، شو تغديت ب ١٥ شباط ١٩٩٢ بفوت ع تويتر، ب شو اشتغلت بالـ ٢٠٠٧ بفوت ع لنكد إن، شو كنت عم غني بالكاراوكي عالسكرة بفوت ع يوتيوب، على شو عصّبت هالسنة بفوت ع بلوغ سبوت... ومش حيالله بلوغ سبوت... عـ"توم اكسترا"!

18.7.11

The beach rush.


" This is a post by one of our friends/readers. Thank you Georges Hamieh. 

I was reading this article on the net

and I was thinking that for the past 20 years I read thousands of articles like this one,
and till now nothing changed.
Private companies are still stealing our beaches and entrances are becoming more expensive.

Open minded people would say:
"yes but this will attract tourists and provide work opportunities!".
Now, if you consider the 2 Italian and 1.5 German people
that you met in Hamra or in Jbeil are the whole Europe, I think we have a problem.
Trust me, tourists won't pay 30$ to go to the beach in Lebanon,
when in Italy, Spain or France it will cost them only 3-5 euros and in Thailand they will get wonderful beaches for free!
Creating job opportunities?
Yes we need to create job opportunities for people so they can afford living in Lebanon.
Work more, so you can pay more, so others become richer.
What's the meaning of having a 2000$ salary if you are going to spend 2000$?
Isn't better if you work less and spend less if things were cheaper?
And what kind of opportunities are we creating, with all my respect to all the jobs,
Lebanese people are becoming, bar tenders, waiters, bouncers and valet parking "specialists"?!
And that's not all, in 10 years we're going to pay 100$ for entrance and things are not going to change, why?
Because people don't want it to change,
even some of us, those who were born after the year 2000 for example,
didn't even hear of something called free entrance.
That is perfectly normal: it's our national duty to pay all this money for a beach entrance in order to help "re-build the Phoenician Lebanon"!
How shocked they are/will be when they go abroad
and discover that beachs are cleaner, bigger and for free.
We allow ourselves to close roads, to occupy places, to burn tires,
to scream mythical, senseless love/revolution chants,
just because some stupid politicians asked us to do it,
but we won’t protest for what is our innate right: a free beach!

After we lost all our free beaches, we're now losing our sidewalks
next in line would be the air itself...
Sidewalks are not free anymore, they are occupied by the "valet parking specialists",
a new career that the beach resorts have created and have prohibited me from parking my car wherever I want to!

In general, the valet parking service is used by old or people with special needs,
those who cannot walk for a hundred meters.
But in Lebanon everyone is old with special needs.
If we are waiting for our dear government to change all this crap,
it won't.

Why?
Because most of our "representatives"
own all these companies/resorts/whatever
that are making them rich.

2 years ago I used to pay a valet parking
1 or 2000 L.P., now its 5 or 7000 L.P.!

When the beach entrance will be 100$, the valet parking will be 10$.
Never mind! Your salary will have become 10000$,
because you'll be working 22h a day... or stealing from someone!

Enjoy! 
                                                                                           

14.7.11

Miss Lebanon

Dimanche j’ai regardé Miss Liban en jouant à un jeu de société avec des amis. J’aime bien miss liban… pas les filles, je m’en fous… de toute façon elles sont en général trop jeunes à mon goût, écervelées, et surtout inaccessibles… un peu comme le caviar… et je m’en fou puisque de tout façon je n’aime pas le caviar. 

Ce que j’aime dans l’émission Miss Liban, ce sont les commentaires des téléspectateurs… nos commentaires par conséquent... on casse les filles, alors qu’elles sont déjà très jolies… si nous les avions en face, nous aurions tous la baguette.

Je vous ai donc noté quelques commentaires de dimanche soir… je les transcris en libanais, tels que je les ai entendus:
- inno ma fiya tzabbit menkhara hayde abel ma téjé tjarris 7ala 2eddem l 3alam?
- chou haydé? siniyyé? mich 3a asses miss lebanon? trou7 tekoul noodles bi bayta
- hayde 3al 2afa aw 3al wejj?
- no way! Chou hawde? Mich battat 2ejer, wazzet 2ejer hawde…. mousta7il
- sorry bass ktir bech3in, l mostawa taba3 miss liban sayer zero
- chou hal “bajou2” (didn’t know this word) yéllé 3layya? Metel metro new york
- haram hayde lezim tmassil bi blanche neige
- ghallato bi 2esma hayde… ken lezim ysammouwa berbara

Sur ces bonnes paroles, je vous souhaite une joyeuse berbara! 
Cheers

5.7.11

Tourist Tips - Part 1 - Lebanon Summer 2011


Dear tourists,
we hope that you will get the best out of this summer season in Lebanon.

We seriously have no clue how our country is still going,
but we know it's a great place, to be in.

That said, we'd like to enlighten you with some special tips
that will help you get the best of of your stay this summer.

Tips
1. No "man'oucheh" is like another, it differs from street to another.

2. Do not show that you are amazed with that "service" you got into
for the first time in Lebanon, the driver probably won't understand a word you're saying,
will smile and charge you triple the regular fare.

3. Forget about anything you've learned about traffic rules,
ours were passed to us directly by our Phoenician ancestors.

4.
Don't try to blend in by drinking Arak with lunch
the way you drink beer back home (wherever that is).

5. "Authentic Lebanese Bistros/Restaurants" in Beirut are all fake,
for real Lebanese generosity, taste and a hint of adventure,
try at least one of those forgotten restaurants in the mountains.

6. Do not discuss local or regional "politics" with anyone.

7. Be prepared for nerve-breaking-mega-super explosions, it's just happy fireworks.


8.
Somehow in the course of our contemporary history
the word b*tch has been mixed up with the word beach,
brace your eyes for some "nice" views/scenes.

9. When meeting new people, avoid anyone who uses the following words in one sentence:

"Hi, sky, yay, cool, man, wow, akhou".

10. A beard is not a terrorist trademark, most of the time nice guys are found wearing it.

11. Garlic a.k.a. "toom" will make everything you eat tastier,
but you will have to stay away from people for several hours.

12. You can add "extra" to anything you order wherever you were:
man'oucheh extra
sandwich extra
service extra
massage extra
and the most important of all:
TOOM EXTRA!

1.7.11

What I miss the most 9-Ode to a Mankouché - ملحمة منقوشية

تخايل حالك نايم ببيت بلبنان والشباك مفتوح وفي نسمة عم تتلاعب بالبرداية يلي فوقك، نومة بتسوى مليون... وفجأة في شي بدغدغ أحلامك وبخّليك تفوت بأحلام بعد أحلى،
بتوعى وبتتوجه صوب مصدر هالشي يلّي خلّاك تقوم من هالنومة الملكية،
وكلّ ما تقرب بصير هاللّغز يوضح، وآخر شي بيتجلّ المصدر قدّامك: منقوشة!
أخ يا ملكوت! شو هالإختراع العظيم!
 

شو هالشي يلّي في يكون ترويقة وغداء وعشاء! وكلو بـ 1500 ل.ل. إن شقّت حالها إلا بالمطاعم الفاست فود اللبنانية يلي عطول بجربو يعطو المنقوشة أسامي كلاس و كول تتصير ب-5000 لل- بس مش عم تزبط لأنو مافي متل منقوشة إم طارق !

بتقعد حول الطاولة، عليها أكيد: صحن لبنة وصحن بندورة، خيار، زيتون ونعنع.
يا عين صبّي كازوز! يلّا روح، إنطلق بِهالمغامرة.

برأيي الشخصي المنقوشة اللبنانية من أطيب و أبسط شي انخلق على وجه الارض،
منقوشة سخنة وبنجوس. عن جدّ الواحد ما بقّدر يّلي عندو يا وبمتناوله إلا إذا انحرم منّو ولو كان بسيط أدّ المنقوشة...
 

عطول منجرّب نروح لبعيد ونتفلسف: كروسان ومكارون، ودونتس وكوتيون وبيض وجامبون... كلّو فراطة...
بقول المتل "الكنيسة القريبة ما بتشفي" ، إيه أنا بقول "المنقوشة السخنة دواء !"