28.2.13

Lebanese Bloggers Reinvent the World.

The electrical Pavlov experience.

Since we claim that we ARE the origin of the world, the origin of the alphabet, religions, hummus... well everything on earth is Lebanese! We asked ourselves this question: should we really reinvent the world before reinventing Lebanon? Reinventing Lebanon will exponentially reinvent the world, and it will be cheaper since it's on smaller scale.

To reinvent Lebanon, we have to reinvent the Lebanese because they are responsible for the country's illness.

We at Toom Extra Labs, invented a small chip programmed to recognize stupid Lebanese behavior.  This chip will be planted in the Lebanese citizen's body (in a discreet way of course), and will send different electric charges depending on the act and the level of stupidity involved.
Some examples to clarify a bit:
- Passing a red light / Throwing garbage out of the window / Double-parking
The chip will send a charge of 5 over 10 (intensity-wise)
- Fighting for political/religious purposes / Supporting and applauding untalented "artists"
The chip will send a charge of 7 over 10 (intensity-wise)
- Voting for the same corrupt people
The chip will send a charge of 9 over 10 (intensity-wise)
And so on...

Since these behaviors/electric charges are most likely to happen many times per month, week or even day, the Lebanese citizen will start thinking before doing any move, until his/her bad reflexes are totally cured and will not be passed to the future generations. 

That's how, ladies and gentlemen, we will reinvent a better world by simply "fixing" the Lebanese/Lebanon a.k.a. The Origin of The World. 

P.S.: The chip will work on solar power or body heat and cannot in any way be linked to the public or private electricity sectors.

23.2.13

A run of fear and laughter


I remembered this epic moment in my history and decided to share it with you away from any warehouses, casseroles or wrenches hitting my head.

It was a mid-spring day a while ago. I'm working in my room when my mom screams while opening the entrance door of our house: a ram is standing at our front door preparing itself to eat mom's precious plant!
As I jump to the front door at my mum's scream, I recognize the ram:
it's my uncle's famous "Dabe3".
Yes, its name is "Dabe3" (Hyena or some sort of wolf in Arabic) and it grew to become pretty wild due to all the pampering it gets. A serious proof of that was the broken chain on its neck and its 15-step climb to reach the plant at our front door add to all that a journey of 200m to our house.

I shout, wave and do all sorts of silly moves until it finally flinches, turns around and leaves the way it came. Feeling very brave (hero-level bravery), I chase it for about 50m away from our house when it happened:
Dabe3 stops abruptly,
turns,
gives me the "I-got-you-exactly-where-I-want-you" look
and... CHARGES!
YES, the ram charged towards me!

Being a novice in this area I had an instant reflex: I grabbed it by its horns and tried to send it backwards. This idiotic gesture from my part got it even more outraged and made it go all buffalo-style-harlem-shake-charging on me!
At this instant, I had only one solution: RUNNING!
So, I started running while laughing at the same time.
I was running away... from a SHEEP!
A hell of a mad sheep it was!

20.2.13

How to insult 51% of the world’s population with a bathroom sign ?


Updates:

We are not allowing comments on this post anymore, because the situation got weird, people started being aggressive just because we talked about their favorite venue ! Actually we didn't even talk about the venue or insulted it, if you read well the post.

We are sorry that everyone missed out the big idea behind this post, we only wanted to say that representing women as a casserole is putting her back in the "kitchen" while hundreds of women from all around the world fight for their rights to work and go to universities. Lebanese women think they have it all, although if we think about it, we have nothing, we are not covered by any law. Maybe the designer wanted to be funny, but for ME and I repeat this is MY personal opinion, we cannot joke about sexism until it stops existing, and that is never, and that goes as well for racism and homophobia.

The bathroom signs were just a trigger, we then talked about educating children in Lebanon and that was the main subject of this post.

Anyway thank you for reading and commenting, even though it was negative ( mostly ), you only tripled our traffic ;) and then you proved us right : Lebanese will only fight for their right to party.

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Marie-Curie and Joan of Arc, Simone de Beauvoir and Amelia Earhart, Daw Aung Suu Kyi and Frida Khalo, Susan B. Anthony and Ella Fitzgerald, Margaret Sanger and your MOM. Were all diminished to a single illustration : A casserole !

Of course THE casserole every little girl should have in her little pink kitchen in her girly pink room where a beautiful blond Barbie lies on her pink bed sheets.  

And the men’s bathroom sign is a wrench! Of course, because all men should use tools, drink lots of beer, scratch their balls and burp.

We in Lebanon, think that we master the art of educating children. Whenever a couple is expecting a boy, the baby’s room start looking so manly that even Chuck Norris is afraid of going in…the blue walls, and blue sheets, with trains, cars and soldiers…in Lebanon we extend that with rifles, tanks and guns. This boy’s identity is prepared and wrapped in blue paper before he was even born. He has no right to chose, this boy might like to play with his sister’s dolls but his parents are so afraid that this will turn him gay so they won’t let him and vice versa, cute little girls with ponytails, pink dresses, ribbons and flowers, übergirly to like spiderman or football. If it was legal to inject boys with testosterone and breast feed the girls with estrogen, Lebanese parents wouldn’t hesitate a second.

And these kids grew up to be designers, and they designed these wonderful bathroom signs for the “warehouse” in Beirut. Can we blame them ? They were raised that way and unfortunately they didn’t educate themselves enough to know that it’s insulting to illustrate women as a casserole and men as a wrench, ( even though the rationale behind them, might be "things you find in a warehouse" )  believe me I know some girls who handle their tools like a plumber while their husbands are going oliver james on their casseroles.

I had enough of the stereotypes, I had enough of people using women as a sexual object in the kitchen, we, Lebanese, are always proud of ourselves, we claim to be civilized, open-minded, cultivated, it’s not partying like there’s no tomorrow or wearing beautiful branded clothes that makes us “Europeans”! It’s our culture, our respect for any other human being, and our social behavior that will turn us in Homo sapiens instead of the Australopithecus we still are. 

Picture : @Acidburn_TD ( Thank you @Acidburn_TD for inspiring me to write this post) 



14.2.13

Min 7a yIggy Pope?

So this week’s biggest event is probably the pope’s resignation… this resignation has prompted much speculation about who will replace his holiness.

In my today’s post, I’ll try to imagine what could happen if the pope’s replacement was not conventional.

Note: I mean no harm or disrespect to the church at any point in this post… I’m just making virtual unrealistic assumptions… so if anyone feels offended with my post, please don’t hesitate to comment or send me an email, and I will answer you.


- so what if the new elected pope is… Chuck Norris:  then nothing much will change in Chuck Norris’ life… he will continue to cross crowds everyday…

- if the new elected pope is… Quentin Tarantino: then even the Vatican statues will bleed…

- if the new elected pope is… a Lebanese politician: then he will delete “You shall not steal” from the 10 commandments… and may be the “You shall not murder” too… and then replace the word “God” by “money and the supreme Leader” in the “You shall have no other Gods but me” commandment.

- if the new elected pope is an average Lebanese citizen: then the white smoke will stay in the Vatican’s sky from the minute of his election until Jesus’ return… and I’m talking about the burning tires "white smoke", not the pope’s election white smoke, huh?

- and what if the new elected pope is… my grandmother: well I believe that all cardinals and Vaticanians will gain at least 20 kgs each before the end of the year… no one dares/can stop my grandma from feeding people! Even if they can’t breathe anymore!

- and what if the new elected pope is… myself:… well, the bible will have a second volume… called ToomExtra… and all you readers shall be saved! Amen!


PS: I know that the post’s title is lame, but when I came with it, it just made me laugh my ass off… so I decided to keep it.

12.2.13

L’art subtil du parking au Liban

L’une des choses qui frappe les européens en visite au pays du cèdre, est la créativité que les libanais mettent dans la façon de parquer leurs voitures. Il y a certe certaines villes d’Europe moins sévères que ma Suisse natale en matière de stationnement, mais le Liban surpasse de loin tout ce qui peut se faire en la matière! Là ou la plupart des grandes villes européennes parlent de problème de stationnement, de surpopulation automobile, de problèmes récurrents de surface de parking ; le Liban quant à lui, a résolu le problème en redonnant sa signification au parking : un lieu où l’on parque une voiture !

Une fois ce concept enregistré, se parquer devient d’une simplicité extrême ! Fis des lignes et autres signalisations, des passages et autres ilots, lorsque l’on entre sur un parking, on y laisse simplement sa voiture. A quoi sert une ligne ! Il suffit de se parquer dans le bon sens à côté de la première voiture stationnée et la chose est réglée ! Pourquoi réfléchir et parquer sa voiture entre deux lignes blanches ? L’important est que tout le monde y trouve sa place ! La preuve en est les impressionnants tetris de voitures sur les parkings aux alentours Hamra Street ou Gemayzé... en serrant bien, il y aura de la place pour tout le monde ! D’ailleurs certains valets de parking se sont sans doute inscrits au championnat du monde de tetris, leur entraînement se faisant tous les jours en grandeur nature sur le terrain. Mais une fois de plus, le Liban a su trouver une solution à un problème que l’Europe se pose depuis longtemps.

Là ou la triste Europe emprisonne des voitures entre des lignes, avec un espace de sécurité minimum (on ne sais jamais, celui qui voudrait voler votre voiture a quand même besoin de pouvoir ouvrir la porte pour y rentrer…) des règles strictes et une uniformité dramatique, faisant que là ou une famille libanaise parquerait l’intégralité des ses voitures, les européens arrivent tout juste à en parquer une seule, et encore, après avoir longuement manœuvré. Le Liban a simplifié cela, en utilisant le moindre petit espace, et en faisant confiance aux conducteurs, qui feront attention à leurs Mercedes flambantes neuves sans avoir à suivre de longues heures de cours pour cela. Et surtout, le parking libanais devient un joyeux bordel où tout le monde crie, hurle, s’insulte puis se jette dans les bras l’un de l’autre après avoir réussi à parquer sa voiture ; là où tant d’européen font une crise cardiaque en voyant un inconnu se parquer à moins de deux mètres de leur voiture… et ne parlons pas non plus de la sacro-sainte chaise en plastique, symbolisant l’interdit le plus total de parquer, signe qu’un européen serait incapable de comprendre !

Une fois de plus le Liban a réussi à résoudre un problème de l’Europe de façon radicale et efficace, la créativité de ce pays est sans borne lorsqu’il s’agit de trouver des solutions simples aux problèmes du quotidien, pour se concentrer sur des choses beaucoup plus importantes, comme l’éternel dilemme du restaurant où l’on rejoindra ses amis.

Post by: Jack
Photos copyright : Jack












4.2.13

توما اكسترا - Tooma Extra


بحب الموسيقى و بحب الأصوات الحلوة، وبحب أحضر برامج الموسيقى، مبارح حضرت على شاشة TF1 برنامج THE VOICE وكتير نبسطت بس شفت المشترك اللبناني انطوني توما، وأكيد بدنا نشجعو كلنا سوا.


بس عطول بسأل حالي هالسؤال: ليش اللبناني بينطر اللبناني التاني تيطلع من لبنان، تيشجّعو ويحكي عنّو ويعملو مشهور؟

ليش انطوني بدو يروح ع فرنسا، كرمال يحقق حلمو ويغني، وما في يحقق هالحلم بلبنان؟

هو بالذات قال عالتليفزيون، انو بلبنان ما إلو مستقبل. ليش أمين معلوف بدا تكرمو فرنسا ويصير عضو بالأكاديمية الفرنسية ولبنان ما قدّملو شي؟ ( "ماكسيموم" وسام بس يموت). ليش أمين معلوف بدو يصير "فرنسي من أصل لبناني" ومش لبناني؟ أو جبران خليل جبران؟ 
ليش وجدي معوض صار كندي من أصل لبناني والفيلم يلي نعمل من كتابو "Incendies" بدو يربح 36 جائزة سينمائية بس لأن ما نعمل بلبنان؟ أو قولتكن لو نيكولا حايك عمل ساعة بلبنان وسمّاها "Lwatch" بدل "Swatch" كان حداً شتراها بلبنان؟ أكيد لأ... لأنّو "يي ياي يا الله، صناعة وطنية...".

طالما من فضّل كلّ الصناعة الأجنبية عالصناعة اللبنانية بس لأن نحن "كول" و"كلاس"، طالما مندفع بالدولار بدل الليرة اللبنانية، طالما ما منقدر المواهب هي وموجودة بلبنان ومن صير مبسوطين فيهن بس يصيرو بغير بلد، 
رح نخسر عالم متل انطوني وكتار غيرو وما راح يبقى بلبنان غير نحنا الزقّيفة. 

أكيد كلنا بدنا نشجع أنطوني ومنتمنّالو يربح، مش كرمال يرفع إسم لبنان بالعالي متل ما الكل رح يقولو، كرمال يحقّق حلمو ويرفع اسمو بالعالي، لأنو صوتو وشخصيتو الحلوين هوّي اشتغل عليهن وهوّي تعب فيهن، مش لأنو لبناني.